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Fic what I would never write, honest (pt1)

Here be snippets and suchlike from a whole bevvy of fics I would most certainly never write, yes.

lolmac: "Blake's 7 -- the orgy!fic -- bonus points for alien sex pollen (since Aliens Made Them Do It is actually CANON)"

It was all Orac’s fault, of course – or at least, that was what Avon claimed afterwards. Once the air conditioning had been contaminated by the alien pollen, they’d asked Orac for help. What he gave them was advice on how the maximum relief could be reached in the minimum of time, parroting out the instructions from some volume of erotica with diagrams projected up onto the screen. It was technically help, but it wasn’t what they’d had in mind. Well, to be accurate, by that time it was what most of them had in mind, but that was the trouble they were hoping it would get them out of, not further into.

Vila reckoned it was really Avon’s fault, because he was the one who’d said that at least three of the diagrams were anatomically impossible and then had to go and try and prove his point. Mind, Vila had added, it wasn’t as if he’d put it past Orac to have set the whole thing up and be selling the vidcasts as a sideline without telling them.

“Why would anyone want to watch that?” asked Cally, and since they’d all spent the hour since the effects had worn off complaining how terrible the sex had been, how inadequate everyone else was, and that size did matter (especially if your name was Tarrant or Avon), nobody could explain.


lolmac also gave me this: "David Collings' guest appearance on Spongebob Squarepants (I'm assuming that you've never seen Spongebob Squarepants. That's the point.)"

... but then kindly wrote me a snippet herself:

David Collings casually leaned against the doorpost. "Hello, Spongebob."


jaxomsride: "Once Upon a Time : If other stories are true then Alien Predators roam the woods."

Magic may come at a price, but one of the things it’s very effective at is dealing with alien monsters in the woods. It was only a shame they hadn’t been able to work that out sooner - there might still have been seven dwarfs in Storybrooke, not three.


sallymn: "The Night She Became a Man-eating Ghost (Ummm... Jeeves and Wooster? No?)"

“Well, I say, Jeeves, dash it,” I said, and I meant every syllable of it to wound. “You say you can’t do anything?”

“When one’s would-be fiancée becomes a man-eating ghost overnight, the only generally approved practice is to run, sir.”

“Run? But, dash it,” I said again, and hoped it stung. “We Woosters don’t run – and, what’s more, we don’t leave our friends in the lurch because some female’s decided to flounce about wearing a white sheet!”

Jeeves raised an eyebrow. “It is, if I may be so bold as to point out, sir, a little more complex than that. How are the Woosters on being consumed?”

“Well –” I let the old grey matter process the idea, and felt he had a point. “Not in keeping with family tradition, what? Might make a bit of a blot on the old escutcheon, you feel?”

“Yes, sir. Also, it is generally considered to be fatal. A minor point, but one would be sorry to see the demise of one so young.”

“Gosh. Are you sure, Jeeves?”

“Fatal may be an exaggeration. Let us merely say that no one has yet survived the experience.”


“I would advise running, sir. Or perhaps – the constable’s bicycle is still outside the East Wing…”

I had feelings about riding about on bally bicycles after midnight (brought about through bitter experience) but I suppressed them manfully. A chap does not want to be eaten, and particularly not by a daisy-chain loving spectre like Madeline. Even bicycles are preferable.

“Right-ho, Jeeves,” I said, and brooked no delays. I made a sharp exit out of the window, shinned down the drainpipe and stole away into the night.


oonaseckar: "Frank/Mrs Mortimer - full-on Brief Encounter, heaving bosoms, explicitly romantic declarations, he jumps on the train with her."

This was a terribly romantic fic, culminating in Frank leaping on the train with Helen Mortimer at Chertsey station. I unaccountably deleted most of it, but I still have the climax:

“Frank,” said Helen. “I don’t think I’ve got enough spare change for another ticket, not on me. How about you?”

Frank thought about that, and then shrugged. “Sort something out at Clapham.”

“Well, let’s hope they don’t just put you off at Virginia Water,” she said. “Maybe you could hide in the luggage rack?”


liadtbunny: "Sapphire and Steel: Silver dies in a very boring manner."


He moved back into the room, and watched Sapphire as she leaned against the wall. “You should have finished with that by now.”

Sapphire stroked the wallpaper that had been causing them all such trouble. “How about you?”

“Done,” Steel said with a small shrug.

She turned her head fractionally towards him. “Where’s Silver?”

“He didn’t make it back.”

“Oh, no, Steel.”

“Just finish that, can’t you?”

Sapphire removed herself from the wall, and gave him a look. “I have. Shall we leave?”

“Nothing to wait around here for, is there?”


TO BE CONTINUED. With possibly even more orgies!! Gosh.

Crossposted from Dreamwidth -- Comments there: comment count unavailable


( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 14th, 2014 03:59 pm (UTC)
These. Are. Hilarious. I didn't think they could get funnier than the B7 orgy, but then I read the Jeeves & Wooster one, and I probably should not have done so while eating breakfast, because I can disturbingly close to snorting Cheerios out my nose. :)
Jul. 14th, 2014 06:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And, yes, please don't snort cheerios out of your nose; it would be bound to be painful. ;-)
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:04 pm (UTC)
Bwah! Madeline WOULD become a flesh-eating spirit!
Jul. 14th, 2014 06:55 pm (UTC)
Well, who else? Mind, I don't know whether this is for real, or it's just another of Jeeves's endless schemes to help Bertie escape matrimony by making him look as if he's not in his right mind. :-)
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:39 pm (UTC)
*laughs* Despite some of us not being quite in the spirit of the thing (for which I would apologise, were I actually sorry!), these are very funny and clever.
Jul. 14th, 2014 06:56 pm (UTC)
No, never apologise! And I am getting to your prompt, too, I promise!

And thank you! *bows*
Jul. 14th, 2014 06:57 pm (UTC)
There's no rush!
Jul. 14th, 2014 06:28 pm (UTC)
The B7 orgy was hilarious, thanks. ;-)
Jul. 14th, 2014 06:56 pm (UTC)
Hee, glad you enjoyed it. It did make me grin just writing it, I have to say. The post-coital snark would be seriously epic. ;-D
Jul. 14th, 2014 11:28 pm (UTC)
Oh, now you can't claim there is a fic you won't write. :¬)
Jul. 15th, 2014 04:32 pm (UTC)
Well, I wouldn't really write any of these, you know. ;-p
Jul. 14th, 2014 11:34 pm (UTC)
Especially if your name was Tarrant or Avon.

Oh dear... ohdearohdearphdear *rolls around laughing*
Jul. 15th, 2014 04:32 pm (UTC)
Don't tell me that wouldn't be how it would go. :-D

Glad you enjoyed it!
Jul. 15th, 2014 01:27 am (UTC)
Very nice! I particularly enjoyed Jeeves and Wooster discussing whether being eaten might be correctly described as "fatal", but they were all good.
Jul. 15th, 2014 04:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you!! :-)
Jul. 15th, 2014 03:18 am (UTC)
BWAHAHA!! I adore them all!

As promised, here's the RPF of David Tennant and Hugh Laurie getting it on backstage: Doctor in the House

I may have to add "Queen of Prompt Subversion" to my list of titles.
Jul. 15th, 2014 04:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks very much!

And I don't know about Queen of Prompt Subversion, but you must be the Evil Grand Vizier of Punning with that one! ;-D
Jul. 15th, 2014 02:25 pm (UTC)
LOL, Blake's 7 orgy and I'm glad you've still got the Frank/Mrs M climax (I need a Carry On icon) S&S was very mysterious! I like boring as I said(!).
Jul. 15th, 2014 04:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :-) And there's nothing more boring than an off-hand, "Oh, he just died off-screen, sorry, bye." Or at least, that was my thinking.
Jul. 16th, 2014 02:31 pm (UTC)
I thought the wallpaper might be boring;p
Jul. 16th, 2014 07:43 pm (UTC)
Yes, the wallpaper was beige. I should have said that - silly me!
Jul. 16th, 2014 06:13 am (UTC)
I'm going to count that as romance. For Frank, anyway. After all, maybe they could hide in the luggage rack together... tight fit!

I confess myself slightly disturbed by anyone attempting the casually seductive approach. To Spongebob.

“When one’s would-be fiancée becomes a man-eating ghost overnight,
HOW DID I KNOW IT WOULD BE MADELEINE BASSETT?!! *swoons a bit* I'll bet she's a hottie as a wee ghostie too, I wouldn't mind her taking a chomp, not a bit. I'm a bit disappointed in a Wooster being so faint of heart.

Jul. 16th, 2014 07:44 pm (UTC)
It's definitely romantic for Frank. (I think Mrs M was just joking about the luggage rack - but if Frank gets thrown off at Virginia Water, she'll get off with him. ♥)

HOW DID I KNOW IT WOULD BE MADELEINE BASSETT?!! *swoons a bit* I'll bet she's a hottie as a wee ghostie too, I wouldn't mind her taking a chomp, not a bit. I'm a bit disappointed in a Wooster being so faint of heart.

Yes, but being eaten is so irreversible and he's not even keen on just marriage, you know. :-D
Jul. 18th, 2014 05:04 pm (UTC)
late to the party, but a) all obviously brilliant - particularly like the bertie/ghost one b) the S&S one seems exactly right for the canon (very assignment 2). obviously i dont want silver to die, but i can imagine something like this happening. even if you wouldn't usually write it this way.
Jul. 18th, 2014 07:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you! The Bertie one was fun to do. :-) And, as for S&S, well, yes, I think last time I killed Silver it was through what passes for old age with an Element and he blew the world a kiss on this his terminal night before he crumbled away... and it is probably a bit worrying that I can remember most of that sentence.

S&S is great for subverting tropes. It doesn't just subvert them, it eats them for breakfast.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )


spooks - Harry/Ruth/Bench = ♥

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