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Fic what I would never write, honest (pt3)

The last few! Probably less exciting, because they mostly turned out quite sensible and I, er, might have sneakily ducked a low-flying prompt or two, but here goes...

persiflage_1: "1 - Explicit Brig/Liz/Three fic - one of those jolly old "Snowed in" trope fics."

But I realised that any supposed pre-p0rn scene for that one would look exactly like this ficlet. So, I wound up surprising myself by managing this instead:

"3 - Explicit Harry/Ruth fic - they get tiddly and amorous and end up in bed together..."

(And I realised that the prompt never mentioned sex and it didn't specify what I was being explicit about...)


Ruth opened one eye first, and then the other. She was in a strange bed, with what promised to be an impending hangover of the sort she hadn’t experienced for a long while and, what was worse, she wasn’t alone.

“Ruth?” said Harry.

Ruth sat up in unwise haste. “Ow. Er. Yes. It seems to be me. And you.”

“Well, that’s something,” said Harry. “I was wondering. Didn’t want to find it was the Home Secretary.”

Ruth gave a slight smile, though that hurt too. “No, no politicians here. So that's something.”

“In any case, we clearly need to have words with the George about what they’re putting in the whisky these days.”

Ruth leant back against the bedstead. “More likely we need to have words with Callum or Dmitri.”

“Ah, yes. Very likely.” Harry paused. “Er, Ruth…”

She stared ahead. “Don’t worry, Harry. We both seem to be pretty much fully dressed. In fact, I think you might even have your shoes on.”

“How uncouth of me. I do apologise. Well, it would have been a waste if we hadn’t remembered anything, wouldn’t it?”


aralias: "deva/avon adopt-a-child-together fic." (I very nearly wrote the RPF one with Steven and Josette being bemused by Blake's 7 sheer crack and stuff, but then I suddenly wrote this instead, which was probably a relief for the world (especially me), even for a meme like this.)

It's spoilery, sorry.


The news that Blake had left a child had cheered Avon up fractionally. Possibly too much so for anyone else’s peace of mind, since he immediately declared himself the infant’s new guardian.

Deva objected on the perfectly reasonable grounds that he didn’t think Avon was in a fit state to make a good guardian to anyone at the moment, even himself.

“What makes you say that?” demanded Avon.

Deva sighed. “Avon, you shot his father. Three times. That isn’t the recommended procedure for adoption, not even on Gauda Prime.”

“An unfortunate accident that was far more Blake’s fault than mine.”

“Yes, well, much as I deplored some of Blake’s over-complicated tactics, I’d rather not have any more unfortunate accidents happening around young Kerr if it’s all the same to you.”

“He’s… named after me?”

“Look, why don’t you just both adopt him?” Vila suggested. “We’ll all help. He’s past the nappy stage already, right? Should be a doddle.”

Deva opened his mouth to say that he wasn’t sure that any of them were fit guardians for a young child and but reflected that he didn’t want to also die in an unfortunate accident and also that nobody he knew was fit to raise a child, and agreed.

He was felt certain it couldn't end well, though.


john_amend_all: "2. A Sapphire and Steel boarding school or other mundane AU which actually is an AU, not Time's latest fiendish trap." This is a fail! Thanks to a random generator, I actually have some slight notes about an AU like this. I would totally write it some day if I ever got a proper "hook" for it. And since 3 really was impossible ("A fic in which the brave, saintly Richard III defeats the villainous usurper Henry Tudor, thanks to the help of Nat, Tilly and time-travelling Ricardians."), I had to come down on:

"1. Polly's unfaithful to Ben, or vice versa (Presumably, the wronged party would then hire Frank Marker to gather the evidence for the divorce)."


Frank turned his collar up against the rain, and glanced over at the house opposite the bus stop where he’d been standing for the past hour or so. This time, though, something had changed. He looked down at his watch, as if wondering where the bus had got to, hiding his interest in where Mrs Jackson was going, and when he lifted his head to see where, he realised with alarm that she was marching straight across to him.

“I was going to just go on ignoring you,” she said, “but you looked so miserable in the rain and I suppose none of this is really your fault, so I thought I might as well ask you in for a cup of tea.”

Frank stared at her for a bit.

“Oh, don’t be silly,” said Polly Jackson. “I know you’re the private detective. You’ll be able to keep a much closer eye on me from inside the house, won’t you?”

He shrugged. “If you know who I am, not much point in me carrying on, is there?”

“I shouldn’t think so,” said Polly, “but do come in and have a cup of tea, anyway. You look like a drowned rat!”

Frank had had his cover blown plenty of times, but it usually ended with words (loud, angry ones), sometimes even blows, when it happened, not tea and biscuits. “Nice tea,” he said, since it was.

“Thank you,” said Polly. “You’re not going to see anything, by the way, and so you can go and tell your client. Honestly! I know it was my fault to begin with – Ben’s away, and I got bored, so I went out with someone, but it wasn’t anything serious.”

“Wasn’t it?”

Polly gave him a stern look. “No! Of course, I suppose it wasn’t being completely faithful and all that, but it was only twice and only because I wanted someone to take me to Delia's party. Writing to poor Ben and then getting you involved is the silliest thing I ever heard! But there, Ben’s uncle’s a bit odd. It was him, wasn't it?”

“Couldn’t possibly divulge my client’s identity,” said Frank through a mouthful of rich tea biscuit.

“Him and old Mrs Jackson!” said Polly. “Bound to be. Anyway, it’s none of your business.”

Frank nodded. “Now you’ve spotted me, suppose it isn’t.”


He sighed. “They’ll probably just get someone else, you know.”

“Oh, but –” Polly bit her tongue. Then she gave him a smile. “Well, I don’t mean this to sound rude, but you’re probably a bit cheaper than most of the others? So if you go back and tell them that I’ll behave like an angel from now on and not go dancing with anyone other than a girlfriend, then we can all be done with this, can’t we?”

Few cases were that simple, but he liked her and she’d given him tea and a biscuit, so he smiled and said, “Well, let’s hope so, Mrs Jackson.”


Oh, and when I hunted down the instructions for last time, I found this drabble right down the bottom of the comment threads that I'd completely forgotten about and never posted elsewhere. (The thing I would never write being Spooks kitten-fic.)


Harry caught Ruth in the corridor. "Ruth."


He coughed again. "There's something I feel I ought to tell you."


He thought about it for a while. "You remember you left your cats with me?"

"Of course. Perhaps I should take them back? I could use some company."

"How much company?"


"I foolishly assumed that a responsible cat owner would have had one neutered and one spayed, but apparently not."

Ruth raised her eyebrows.

"Yes," said Harry. "Since you left, I've been having kittens."


Crossposted from Dreamwidth -- Comments there: comment count unavailable


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 19th, 2014 12:09 am (UTC)
>i>Yes," said Harry. "Since you left, I've been having kittens."</i> Beats the usual reason for having kittens.

The Doctor with Liz and the Brig in a brig and huddling for warmth gives me a warm Aww feeling too.
Jul. 19th, 2014 06:54 am (UTC)
Thank you! :-)
Jul. 19th, 2014 05:32 am (UTC)
Hmm. I suppose that's my own fault then. I should've been more specific - silly of me to assume you'd know "explicit" = sex.
Jul. 19th, 2014 06:53 am (UTC)
Well, it's used like that in fanfic, of course, but if you choose to go literal, explicit as a word in itself doesn't mean sex at all, just stating something plainly. Besides, you know I can't write explicit fic to save my life, so any snippet was either going to be pre-p0rn or me twisting the prompt! Which I did. ;-p
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:20 am (UTC)
Well, I didn't expect you to write explicit sex - what with the meme being about fics you never would write...
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:26 am (UTC)
Well, yes, you got me; I couldn't write any of those. *puts hands up in surrender* I was planning to write the beginning of the Eight/Martha, actually, but when I sat down at my pc, it turned into a bit of Ruth/Harry nonsense (and apparently with those two, I can't even imply sex happened). What can you do? ;-)
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:28 am (UTC)
I would have liked to see Martha and Eight. I miss them both...
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:32 am (UTC)
I realised it was getting too similar in my head to the Eight & Clara one I'm planning to write for dw_allsorts, and I was feeling in a Spooks sort of mood. But, yeah, Eight & Martha is a very nice combination! ♥
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:34 am (UTC)
Oooh! You're writing Eight and Clara? *is intrigued*
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:39 am (UTC)
Yes - or I hope so! I claimed Clara for dw_allsorts, and I have two prompts left, one of which is a Six and Clara in draft, the other Eight & Clara in my head (but he manages to give her a brief respite from saving him). Of course, I have yet to write it even in rough & I'm thinking it'll be a short one. But, yes. :-)
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:40 am (UTC)
Jul. 19th, 2014 08:04 am (UTC)
hooray! thanks. i am unsurprisingly weak for blake naming his child after avon (even if kerr is a terrible name), and deva's: nobody he knew was fit to raise a child. bless. although it is also true.
Jul. 19th, 2014 04:58 pm (UTC)
Kerr is a terrible name, especially when they're not exactly going to want to call him Blake to get round it, but there we are. As Deva said, none of them are fit to raise a child. or name it. Maybe Vila can come up with a nice nickname, or they can call him Blake Junior.
Jul. 19th, 2014 11:24 am (UTC)
It says a lot about Frank Marker's life, that I'm so happy he at least got a cuppa and a biscuit out of a bodged assignment...
Jul. 19th, 2014 05:01 pm (UTC)
It says a lot about Frank Marker's life, that I'm so happy he at least got a cuppa and a biscuit out of a bodged assignment...

It's not a bad thing to be happy about small pleasures! (I am, however slightly guilty that you're concerned about him mainly on the basis of my ramblings... *cough*)
Jul. 19th, 2014 05:07 pm (UTC)
I'm soft for gentle-mannered old geezers. Nature's gentlemen are few and far between.
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:48 pm (UTC)
Jul. 19th, 2014 01:38 pm (UTC)
But not that unfaithful:) and a nice case for Frank too - tea AND biscuit, aw.
Jul. 19th, 2014 05:02 pm (UTC)
Yes. It was a bit cheating-y, but Ben/Polly! And also neither of them would hire Frank even if they did get divorced. They'd manage much more sensibly than that anyway.
Jul. 19th, 2014 06:23 pm (UTC)
I suppose after Daleks and Cybermen a put-upon private detective isn't going to present much of a challenge to Polly :-)

and not go dancing with anyone other than a girlfriend,

I confess to a curiosity who it was she danced with, and a hope that it wasn't Eleven (who, as we know, is a classically trained ballet dancer).
Jul. 19th, 2014 07:48 pm (UTC)
:lol: Eleven dancing with Polly would be great!
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )


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